Seized

By Lee Hooks

Confusion again, but he knew this was a place he had been before, though he couldn’t remember when or… anything. What was his name? Where was he? Heavy, his arms were leaden, a weight he couldn’t move.

Some lady he couldn’t remember knowing said, “You had a seizure, Frankie?”

He tried to say Who the hell are you?… Who the hell is Frankie?… but nothing came out. The effort to remember was exhausting and frustrating at the same time. He squinted, bright light in his eyes, and heard another voice.

“Step back, please. He’s having another one.”

                                                            ***

There were flashes. He couldn’t say it hurt, but it was disorienting. Disconnected for a few seconds, then thick darkness… and smells. Loamy, earth-wormy soil and a wet fur smell filled his nostrils. With his eyes open wide, he couldn’t see a thing, but he heard rustling. Panicky, he gulped the heavy air.

“Is something there?” he whispered, hoping there wasn’t.

“What are you doing back so soon, Frankie?” He knew her voice. “You couldn’t have gone home for more than ten minutes. When I told you to go, I meant for another fifteen or twenty years, not a few minutes.”

As his sister talked, everything began to lighten up and memory flooded back, along with a hollow emptiness. He knew Bess, remembering her long battle with cancer. The years of treatment and the wasting away that was hard to watch, operations and, finally, hopes dashed. Tears welled and the hole grew with the memory.

This was not the wasted Bess from those recent memories, but the Bess he’d known his whole life, making the loss more poignant. Her vibrant glow and energy were almost too much as he dared to hope. The beautiful smile and shiny auburn hair made him feel like he always did around her, like his dreams were possible.

The light grew and everything expanded. An Autumn evening revealed itself, with a sweater-weather cool breeze and a few clouds. The scene, orange, red and gold, clarified itself before his eyes.

He looked around. “Where were you before all this appeared, Bess? I mean, I feel bad leaving you in this place. I’m supposed to look after you, and to know you’re trapped in some dank cave with some animal until I come back is not reassuring.”

“I wasn’t trapped and I don’t need you to rescue me, brother. I thought you understood, but let’s try again. I was resting and I like earthy smells. The smell of damp fur is soothing to me and I create those feelings and smells because they relax me. What you think of as trapped and closed off, I love and find calming. After all, this is my idea of heaven, not yours.”

A doe, with a barely spot-free yearling beside her, bounded from the bright forest. Frankie was surprised and cautious, but Bess smiled, reaching into her green sweater pocket, she pulled a handful of dried fruit mixed with grains.

She squatted, “Here you are, sweeties.”

Both animals ate from her hand as she reached back into her pocket and made a pile of dried fruit and grains. A squirrel came from a nearby tree, scampering up her back to perch on her shoulder. She rubbed the deer’ necks as she stood, and turning, reached into her other pocket. She presented a pecan to the squirrel, who got busy removing the shell, with his little twinkly black eyes never leaving Frankie.

“What are you doing back here, Frankie?”

“I don’t know. It is so calm here and so painful and hectic there. I’m confused and scared. I can’t remember anything or anyone when I’m there.”

“I’m figuring out what it means to be Great Spirit, but I do know it’s not time for you to be here. There are things you still want to do and life to practice before…this. It’s the whole reason I put you in the hospital in the first place.”

“You put me in the hospital?” Frankie looked surprised.

“Yes! You are trying to do better, with your walking and change in diet, but the consequences for your actions stuff was going to catch up with you. There were still physical things that were going to take you before you were ready. The seizure was the only way for the doctors to catch and treat the problems.”

“But that could have killed me.”

“That’s why it happened in town, before you went home. The rescue squad was there in no time and had you at the hospital in a few minutes. There’s a plan, Frankie. You are welcome to override it with your choices, which is why you keep showing up here.” Bess smiled and patted him on the shoulder.

“But I’m worried about you. I can’t leave you all alone. I’m supposed to look after you.”

“How do I explain this when words are so tiny? I’m not anymore alone than any of us. We are each Creators, and what you think of as reality is where we practice creating. I believed I was trapped in a small insignificant body as it fell apart and you helped me tremendously by being there. I finally realized fear of the unknown and a confused need to fight, to hang on, were keeping me attached to a body that could no longer serve me. It was then that I was ready to become the more we all are.”

“The more we all are? What the hell does that mean?”

“Each of us is Great Spirit, The Creator, The Divine. Whatever word makes you comfortable, since words cannot describe any of this.” She waved her arms wide and a breeze ruffled her auburn hair, swirling leaves of red and gold, while a flock of birds danced on the wind. “This, you see, is all me. We are each aspects of our own reality and it is all One. We play in what we think of as reality and pretend we aren’t whole and complete. The illusion goes away when you pass through the veil, if you want to know.”

“So, you mean how we act doesn’t matter? We all end up in heaven?”

“No. We all get what we believe we deserve, which can be the harshest judgment. Our beliefs are so much smaller and limit what we truly are in the afterlife.”

“Is that another way of saying we get what’s coming to us?”

“In a way, but not really. Happiness is an emotional expression of joy and something everyone deserves. If you believe you have to have a certain car, job or person to be happy, you have limited your access to happiness. Your decision doesn’t mean happiness isn’t right there as a state of mind anytime you want it. It’s the same on this side of the veil, only much bigger.

“So, if I believe I am completely justified in treating others like crap and taking advantage of their trust just to accumulate more, what happens to me here?”

“You have the material illusions around you that you treasured in life. The hollow, empty, lifeless things you thought you needed. In fact, there are aspects of Great Spirit trapped in a bleak, polluted world with all the creature comforts, and no one that cares for them. It is by their choice they stay, just as in life when they cut themselves off from the important human lessons all around everyone. There is no right or wrong, it’s not that simple. There are many levels of understanding and everyone is doing their best with the lessons they’ve learned.”

“This stuff is making my head hurt.”

“Which is why it’s time for you to go back. You won’t remember any of this, but know I am in a great place doing great things and stop worrying about me.”

Bess reached out, placed one hand lovingly on his cheek and tapped Frankie twice right between the eyes.

                                                            ***

He opened his eyes to an artificially lit room, with three people standing over him.

“I think he’s coming out of it,” said woman in a nursing top. “Frankie, can you hear me?”

“Yeesh …” he whispered, nodding his head slowly.

“You’re very lucky to be here.”

 He nodded, feeling tired but oddly content, like someone was watching over him. A squeeze on his hand, he squeezed back. Drifting off, he wondered who the nice ladies were.

                                                            ***